One of the most difficult decisions when separating is how much to tell your child about your divorce.

With younger children it can be easy to assume that they understand more than they do or can cope with the news. You know your children better than anyone; take their age, intelligence and maturity into account and formulate your words according to these important factors.

With older children it may be more uncomfortable as there may be more questions, more accusations or more emotions on display. You have to make what you say objective when you tell your child about your divorce. Under no circumstances should you seek to apportion blame to one or other parent. Your children love you both and as such cannot be expected to take sides.

With younger children you will need to help them understand that because one parent is leaving the family home, it doesn’t follow that this means their other parent will also leave. Whatever the age of the children you have to assure them that moving out doesn’t mean moving out of their lives. If you or your partner are moving to a new address or into a new relationship then the next step will be helping your children understand what all of this will mean.

But for now, as you broach the subject of their parents splitting up, the most important reassurance is that you both still love them very much and always will. Yes it’s a simplistic message but in this case that’s what children need.

Do say:

Mum doesn’t love dad as much as she used to because we are arguing a lot about things. We have tried our best to do what we can so we won’t argue but it hasn’t helped. We have discussed this a lot and have decided that we would both be happier if we lived in different places. 

We still care for each other but want different things to make us happy. None of this is your fault and we both still love you very much. 

Don’t say:

It’s best that mum and dad live apart now as it is better for all of us. We can’t stop rowing and everyone will be much happier if I move out. You want us to be happy, don’t you and you want to be happy? If we live apart, you will be happier.

Don’t say:

Mum is really upsetting dad at the moment and it’s making her sad. Mum can’t forgive dad for something that has happened, but we can’t tell you what it is.

Do say:

Mum doesn’t love dad any more because we have both changed. Dad has told Mum that he has met someone else. There are going to be some changes and dad is going to move out.

Do you think there is much difference between the two examples in the first set? At first glance it may appear not, but the language is much more subtle in the first example. It is gentler and there is no blame attached.

In the second example, there is far too much emphasis on future happiness and how this decision is the deciding factor. This may be true as explained in the introduction, but that’s not likely to be a comforting or easy to understand thought for a child being told their parents are splitting up. 

They must not be told how they ‘should’ feel – they are very unlikely to accept that they will feel happier and when they don’t, they will feel even worse. You can’t expect a younger child to accept this as they are most likely to be confused and upset. An older child may resent the way this statement is put together, as if you are shifting the blame of an adult decision on to the whole family’s shoulders. This decision comes from the two of you first and foremost, so find the right words to get that message across.

Again, there may not appear to be much difference in the second set of examples, but there is a huge gulf between them. Don’t tell your children that you are keeping something from them, this will only cause greater anxiety. This example also breaks the vital rule of not apportioning blame. Telling your children that one parent’s actions are blatantly upsetting the other is a recipe for further upset.

In the final example, the decision to part is portrayed as a joint one, despite the news that the father is set to move out. Telling your children that one of their parents has met someone else is not too much information. Although it is bound to lead to a lot of questions, honesty remains the best policy. 

Openness is key as is using the right language for the age of the child. 

If you have children of different ages then you have to be prepared to explain what is happening more than once, and to answer everyone’s questions.

Extract taken from Divorce and Separation - The Essential Guide. For more information on divorce and how much to tell the kids, take a look at the book - available now in eBook, printed book and large print formats. Buy the printed version and get the eBook free!