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N2K Newsletter


Divorce – Talking to Your Children

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How To Tell a Child About Divorce
Put your own problems to one side – whatever the difficulties. Sue Atkins, relationship expert and founder of Positive Parents, says ‘You may not have been a united front while married, but you and your partner must take this opportunity – for the good of your children – to work together.’
Sue lists what she considers ‘critical’ questions or ‘key messages’ when talking to your children about your divorce.
She says you should consider:
Your children’s need to feel reassured that you’ll both always be their parents and will always love them. 
Their need to express themselves – this may include anger, silence, denial, bravado or pleading. 
You need to weigh up whether each parent tells each child separately or all together. If you can manage to speak to them together, this gives an opportunity for them to see that you’re not blaming each other, that they don’t have to take sides and that you’re both still there for them.
Think about the sort of questions your children are likely to ask. ‘Will we still see you and spend time with you?’, ‘Who will take us to football training?’, ‘Who will we live with and where will we live?’, ‘Will we have to change school?’, ‘Will we still see Grandma?’. You need to explain that at the moment you don’t have all the answers but reassure them that you’ll have more clarity and answers soon and they don’t need to worry.
For more information visit www.positive-parents.com.
Don’t play the ‘blame game’
The parting doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. Whatever you feel, you should try to overcome the mentality that tells you one partner or other is to blame. This will help you find ways to avoid your children thinking they have to take sides.
Whatever has gone on between you and your partner, you need to set your differences aside and join forces to show your children a united front. Take time to plan what you are going to say and, hopefully, talk to the children together. 
If your partner won’t co-operate
You have to give it your best shot – and that means staying calm. However sad or angry you are feeling with your partner, try not to let any strain or bitterness creep into your voice, words, or actions as you break the news.

How to tell a child about divorce

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Put your own problems to one side – whatever the difficulties. Sue Atkins, relationship expert and founder of Positive Parents, says ‘You may not have been a united front while married, but you and your partner must take this opportunity – for the good of your children – to work together.’

Sue lists what she considers ‘critical’ questions or ‘key messages’ when talking to your children about your divorce.

She says you should consider:

  • Your children’s need to feel reassured that you’ll both always be their parents and will always love them. 
  • Their need to express themselves – this may include anger, silence, denial, bravado or pleading. 
  • You need to weigh up whether each parent tells each child separately or all together. If you can manage to speak to them together, this gives an opportunity for them to see that you’re not blaming each other, that they don’t have to take sides and that you’re both still there for them.
  • Think about the sort of questions your children are likely to ask. ‘Will we still see you and spend time with you?’, ‘Who will take us to football training?’, ‘Who will we live with and where will we live?’, ‘Will we have to change school?’, ‘Will we still see Grandma?’. You need to explain that at the moment you don’t have all the answers but reassure them that you’ll have more clarity and answers soon and they don’t need to worry.

For more information visit www.positive-parents.com.

Don’t play the ‘blame game’ when talking to your children about divorce

The parting doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. Whatever you feel, you should try to overcome the mentality that tells you one partner or other is to blame. This will help you find ways to avoid your children thinking they have to take sides.

Whatever has gone on between you and your partner, you need to set your differences aside and join forces to show your children a united front. Take time to plan what you are going to say and, hopefully, talk to the children together. 

If your partner won’t co-operate

You have to give it your best shot – and that means staying calm. However sad or angry you are feeling with your partner, try not to let any strain or bitterness creep into your voice, words, or actions as you break the news.

Extract taken from Divorce and Separation - The Essential Guide. For more information on talking to your children about divorce, take a look at the book - available now in eBook, printed book and large print formats. Buy the printed version and get the eBook free!