Oh No! Mum and Dad are divorced and dating again!

At an age where children may not have thought about their own sexuality, or are coming to terms with it, having to get to grips with the fact that one or both parents are divorced and dating again new people can be quite a hurdle.

In some families, a new relationship may have started before the separation, or may begin soon after. Elsewhere, the parents may not feel right or confident about dating after divorce for months or years. They may simply not have the time. Whatever the situation, seeing your mum or dad date will trigger a gamut of feelings that are strange and possibly frightening for a child.

That’s why it’s important for you not to expect your children to adapt too quickly. Take things as slowly as you can and hang on in there. This is possibly the biggest change of all for the whole family to get used to.

It’s not something that your children have chosen and they may not share your optimism about what’s going to happen now. Like it or not, the new person will be seen as a stranger by your children and you will have to work hard to take their feelings into account as to how and when your new partner becomes more of an integral part of the family.

Inevitably, your children won’t want to see you get hurt. On a more practical level, they may wonder how the new person will fit into their lives. If that new person becomes a more permanent fixture, resentment may build.

How all of this affects your children can be influenced every step of the way by your explanations and actions in helping them adapt – but don’t expect miracles. If one parent has left a marriage or long-term relationship for someone else, then they are going to have to consider the emergence of feelings of betrayal and anger. 

You should provide your children with realistic opportunities to voice their feelings – whether it is you or your former partner that has brought about this change. Encourage your children not to bottle up their feelings but to let them out – however worried they are that voicing them will cause further upset. They have to understand that their needs and feelings are being taken into account.

These may be very difficult things to hear, forcing you to confront again all the heartache that has gone into the decision to split, but your children deserve to be heard. There may also be jealousy, confusion and guilt.

When new relationships get serious after divorce

The number of second and third marriages goes up each year, which means so does the number of step-families. It can be very difficult for step-parents and step-children to adjust to and live with each other, so it’s crucial to communicate well and to know when to compromise.

Seeing your parents move on to a new long-term partner is one of the most pressing issues affecting children whose parents part. 

These days children are more likely to have friends who have also been through this transition, and they can be encouraged to talk to them about what’s to be expected.

Your children need to know about the new partner and what this means for their future. Don’t think it would be a wise move, for example, to surprise them with the news, thinking that they will be delighted for you. They won’t be.

One of the worst things you can do is attempt to shield your children’s feelings by not telling them about the new person in your life. That’s a recipe for more hurt and mistrust as they think things are happening behind their backs. 

If they haven’t taken well to you dating, you can be sure they aren’t going to be enthusiastic about adjusting to their new family arrangement. It’s a final blow for any hopes they were harbouring to bring their parents back together. The fairytale ending is lost and a new mythical stereotype enters the picture – a step-parent. Don’t forget, there is also the prospect of step-siblings.

According to ChildLine, worries that children have about step-families include:

The difficulty of getting to know lots of new people at once.
Challenges of having a new parent imposing discipline or rules.
Seeing their mum or dad change when they are around the new partner.
Worries about how much their parents love their step-children compared to them. 
Your children may find it difficult to accept all these changes. Wouldn’t you if you had no say in them? The arrival of a new baby into the relationship can also prove a difficult time for them, but they will adapt.

How well and how quickly is down to you. 

You should:

• Stress an understanding that a step-parent doesn’t take the place of their other parent.
• Help them endeavour to build a unique, balanced and positive relationship with the step-parent.
• Encourage them not to take sides against their step-parent with your former partner.
• Encourage your new partner to be patient and understanding.
• Stress the importance of not criticising your former partner to your new partner.
• Avoid arguments over parenting methods.
• Discuss with your new partner differences in parenting styles or discipline away from your children.
• Help your children understand that your situation is not unique and that there is a growing trend towards step-families.
• Explain to your children that adapting to the change in circumstances makes them strong.
• Your children need to know where they stand. Explain fully the role their step-parent is going to play in their lives. 

Of course this is a new relationship for all of you. Take each day as it comes and don’t be hard on yourself when things don’t go to plan.
All families have problems. You should expect them. Be good humoured and patient as you chart these new waters together.

Extract taken from Divorce and Separation - The Essential Guide. For more information on being divorced and dating again, take a look at the book - available now in eBook, printed book and large print formats. Buy the printed version and get the eBook free!